Knowing When it's Time to Let Go: Saying Goodbye to Unhealthy Relationships & Attachments

Letting go can start off feeling alone, but in the end, it always works out for the best.

The Fear of Letting Go

“We ultimately want to be happy, but unfortunately this will never happen holding on to an unhealthy relationship”

Ultimately, everybody wants to be happy in life. We all seek to get fulfillment from relationships, obtaining material things, being successful, having good health, or from recreational activities. However, the problem is, that happiness is quite evasive and many individuals spend a huge part of their lives holding on to relationships and things that will keep happiness a bay. 

Many people struggle with letting go. The reality for some of us is that letting go is super hard. This is so because the people, jobs, or things we are attached to have seemed to have become a part of our comfort zones, and losing them could compromise our comfort and even our identities. 

Based on research, the attachments that we develop with people or things, stem from the assumption that the same motivation that drives the emotional bond between a parent and child sticks with us throughout our lives, making us naturally inclined towards wanting to feel a sense of attachment to someone or something. Attachments tend to make us feel safe—providing a sense of belonging, and comfort. So we hold on to people or things not because they are the best for us, but rather because we fear letting go and venturing into the unknown. 

How Do You Know You Have an Attachment Problem?

Years ago at the age of 15, I formed a deadly attachment with a boy I ended up marrying 10 years down the road. I call it “deadly“ because this person was a narcissist (you can read about this in my book The Mornings I Woke Up With Two Men) and these are the easiest to get attached to. You can stay in these types of toxic relationships for years that slowly eat away at your soul, leaving you drained, angry, and even aged. I‘ve also been attached to friends who left me feeling used, belittled, and unappreciated. Then there is that old Toyota Camry I still own today, that I can’t let go of because it was the first car I ever owned when I first moved to the U.S. Then there is teaching that I stuck with for 23 years not feeling I could be good at anything else. And not to mention that old black sweater I bought in 2004 that I keep taking back out of the Goodwill bag that I have not worn in six years. It’s all attachment— not being able to let go, and below you will find a checklist to see if you struggle with letting go of people and things.

• You accept disrespect, being treated unkindly, or under-appreciated but you still remain in the relationship.

• You know that you are no longer happy. You feel miserable all the time but you still remain.

• You can’t bear the thought of living without the person, or thing you are attached to.

• You make excuses in your head such as “I just can’t start over” or “Maybe it’s me.” to accommodate obvious red flags or misdeeds in the relationship.

• You try to give away or sell treasured items several times but always end up changing your mind and making some type of excuse to keep them.

• You have managed to convince yourself that “Life can’t get any worse”

• The passion is gone from your job and you no longer enjoy what you do. You are afraid to try something new out of fear that you might fail or are just too lazy to invest in new effort.

So are you struggling with letting go? Is there anyone or thing that you believe you need to consider letting go of?

Letting go is sometimes hard and confusing, but it’s necessary for a more productive life.

Three Good Advantages of Letting Go

Many great things lie behind the unknown like new and amazing people to meet, new opportunities and adventures, and new treasures to acquire. The problem is though, you can’t receive tomorrow’s gift if your arms are filled with yesterday’s junk. Three good reasons to build up the strength to start letting go are:

• Improved mental health- holding on to people or things that no longer bring you peace can leave you stressed, fearful, and anxious. Letting them go will lead to great improvement in your mental health and inner peace.

• Healthier relationships- sometimes holding on to the wrong people and things can make you miss great opportunities to form healthier relationships with others. You waste a lot of your time being miserable trying to fix and make excuses to hold on to that person or thing that just does not make you happy anymore. All this time great friendships are passing you by and opportunities to start over fresh and acquire a new positive life.

• Better flow of positive energy- by throwing out unnecessary things, and letting go of people who serve no good purpose in your life anymore, you open up a doorway to a better flow of positive energy in your life. Energy is very real, and the more clutter and negative people you have around will create a negative aura that keeps the positive out. 

So How Do I Really Let Go?

“Sometimes holding on does more damage than letting go”

Learning to let go is a lesson worth learning. Our human nature will have us forming attachments to people and things for the rest of our lives. We should however try to develop a balance in our lives as it relates to attachments. We should try to bear in mind that ultimately nothing lasts forever, especially life. People change, times change, and norms become archaic. Accepting this reality and cultivating an open-minded approach to life will help you to become a steward of the people and things in your life and allow you to know when to let go of them when you know in your heart that they are no longer good for you anymore or serve a just purpose. Sometimes holding on does much more damage than letting go.

Five tips to practice letting go

1. Have a meeting with yourself and decide who are some of the people in your life presently, that make you flat-out miserable and unhappy. Have you discussed the issues that you are having with them but they make no effort to change? This could be a clear indication that you need to let go of these individuals. Life is just too short for you to put up with unnecessary misery. Trust me you will sleep much better at night the minute you have decided to do the big “snip-snip”.

2. Practice open-mindedness by accepting that people and times change. Nothing is meant to last forever so when someone starts acting contrary to your standards and expectations accept that it’s time to part ways. Even relationships have seasons and when the season has ended accept this reality and simply let go.

3. Practice self-love and self-care as you will always be your greatest support system. Please understand that a huge part of self-love and care is cultivating peace in your life. Holding on to unnecessary people and things that only provide stress and hurt do you more harm than good.

4. Take a walk around your home and visit your closet. Search for things and clothes that you know you haven’t used or worn in years. Trash what needs to be trashed and donate what needs to be donated. Make no excuses! If you have not worn it in over four years throw it out. If you have not used it in over four years maybe some special person is waiting at Goodwill to collect it. Holding on to clothes and other junk is just as dangerous as holding on to relationships. It blocks the natural flow of positive energy. 

5. Last, if letting go is a serious problem for you never be afraid to seek professional help. Learning to let go becomes harder for some people who might need to seek the help of a professional to develop a treatment plan for this issue. Also, letting go of things and people is a lifelong habit that sometimes will require professional assistance to develop.

In summary, many people like myself struggle with letting go. For some, it might be that they can’t let go of certain relationships, others may struggle with letting go of maybe a job or an item. Regardless, the struggle is so real. We however have to keep an open mind that nothing lasts forever and that sometimes it takes letting go to realize that we are holding on to nothing. Good luck on your journey as you practice self-love and care by simply letting go.

Let's continue to heal together Shalom-- Dr. Nickie Ann

Dedicated to Amanda Renee