How I Survived a Narcissist and Lived to Tell the Tale: Learn how to spot a narcissist and how to deal with them.

Narcissists wear many masks and the sad part is, you never know who you’re going to have to deal with on any given day.

Simply put, a narcissist is an individual who has an inflated sense of self-admiration and actually convinces himself or herself that the world revolves around them”

I think I can speak on behalf of anyone that has ever encountered a narcissist in any sphere of their life, being a victim of narcissistic abuse myself for 15 years of my life. A narcissist can be a partner (male or female), a parent, relative, your boss, your pastor, coworker, friends, world leaders and just about anyone from any race, socio- economic background, or gender.

But before we dive into the deep, let’s first understand who is a narcissist. Simply put, a narcissist is an individual who has an inflated sense of self-admiration and actually convinces himself or herself that the world revolves around them. Do you know anyone that fits this description? These days they are all around us and with the advent of social media narcissism has skyrocketed . A recent research revealed that 30% of young people were classified as narcissistic based on a popularly used psychological test.

My First Narcissist 

If you have someone in your life who pretty much seems to have two faces— nice this minute then mean the next, makes you feel constantly confused or question your sanity, wants everything to be about them, care little about your feelings or what you value, ignores your boundaries and blames you for everything that goes wrong— avoids taking responsibility for their negative actions, and if they hurt you they make you feel guilty for speaking up? Then odds are you are dealing with a narcissist.

I met my first of many narcissist at the age of 15 and got married to him by age 25 (you can read the full story in my novel available for purchase on here The Mornings I Woke Up With Two Men. He was the most handsome and perfect guy showering me with gifts, compliments and attention constantly. I was the envy of so many females, and I was sure I was the luckiest girl in the world. He was so addictive, almost like a drug and I could never get enough. Then at the age of 18, suddenly in the blink of an eye, it all changed. He introduced me to his other side, when one day we got into an argument over some petty issue. Shockingly, he physically attacked me and called me a “stupid f***ing bitch”. I was in total amazement. My “Prince Charming” had quickly transformed into “Chucky” himself. 

By this time it was too late for me though. I was already hooked to the Prince Charming side that he had sold to me in the beginning. As quickly as he switched to Mr. Hyde, he quickly went back to Dr. Jekyll. He cried and begged me not to leave him and that it was a mistake that would never happen again. With a bunch of beautiful yellow roses (my favorite color) and a bottle of expensive perfume, I took him back and signed up for a crazy narcissistic rollercoaster ride for the next 15 years, that almost ended my life.

“Narcissistic abuse is so real, though the narcissist will try to convince you that your being dramatic and over-sensitive. Anyone who encounters a narcissist and live to tell the tale, will admit that it is a life-changing experience”

Narcissistic abuse follows a distinct pattern where the narcissist gives their victim a series of highs and lows and intentionally attempts to control their partner or victim through manipulation. This leaves the victim always in a state of confusion and fear not knowing when the next low will be— slowly chipping away at their self esteem and sanity. 

There are 3 phases of the cycle in a romanticized narcissistic relationship. This is by far the most dangerous and traumatic of all types of relationships you may encounter with a narcissist. But all victims regardless of which type of relationship, may encounter all three stages but with less consistentency.  Some narcissists are physically abusive. If you are dealing with a violent narcissist I encourage you to seek help immediately to get out of that situation. You can learn about how to do so in this book that I read to help victims in an a university relationship to get out - How to Escape an Abusive Relationship: Twelve Easy Steps to Plan your Perfect Escape"

1. Idealization in a narcissistic relationship is really the honeymoon phase. It’s the “love bombing” where you are showered with gifts, compliments, and money and made to feel as if you are on a pedestal.

2. Devaluation is when suddenly the victim is knocked off the pedestal and is no longer given constant attention or pampering. This is where the confusion and craziness begins. The victim is insulted, experiences gaslighting, (made to question what you know is true), attempts to control the victim, gives silent treatment as a means of punishing their victim, among other manipulative schemes.

3. Discarding is the last phase where the narcissist rejects their partner and pretty much leaves or ignores the victim. The narcissist will blame the downfall of the relationship on their victim. He or she will either find a new narcissistic supply while trying to keep the old supply open in case he chooses to return.

   
   

Do you think you are dealing with a narcissist?

Narcissists do not only exist in intimate relationships, they exist in all types of relationships. In fact, research proves that most narcissists developed from having narcissistic parent(s) or childhood trauma. You could be dealing with a narcissistic parent or relative, boss, pastor, neighbour, coworker or friend. How do you know you are dealing with a narcissist? Simple, let’s do the narcissistic trait check. Below are ten general but key signs that you could be dealing a narcissist:

1. They think super highly of themselves and that everyone should treat them with respect but they don’t necessarily reciprocate this respect to others.

   
   

2. They tend to be very controlling and manipulative making you do what you don’t want without even being aware. They become angry quickly for simple things, and punish you in some way when you do not comply with their wishes or think you have disappointed them.

   
   

3. They switch personalities quickly. They are very nice this minute then become mean the next. You find yourself very timid around them and like your constantly walking on eggshells fearful of their mean side.

   
   

4. They tell blatant lies to make you think you are going crazy. This is called gaslighting and leaves the you in a constant state of confusion making you question reality.

   
   

5. They take no responsibility for their actions and try to blame you for the things they are guilty of even if they are caught red-handed.

   
   

6. They revert to throwing childish tantrums and saying immature things when they do not get what they want.

   
   

7. They try to insult you, withhold praise, compliments and condescend you in an attempt to erode your self-esteem. This is an attempt to be superior and control you. They will even convince that you are nothing without them and try to steal the show at any chance they get.

   
   

8. They will pretend to be a nice person to you in public but behind closed doors treat you badly and make you feel belittled and small (two-faced).

   
   

9. They make everything about them and are very selfish. They only think about their feelings and their own needs and will rarely take your emotions or needs into consideration. If you complain, they will tell you you are being selfish and oversensitive.

   
   

10. They show very little emotion toward you or empathy when they hurt you. They will hurt you and turn around and either mock you to your face, flip the channel, or simply leave you without acknowledgment or an apology. 

    
    

So do any of these signs suggest you might be dealing with a narcissist? Well if your answer was “no” lucky you! But if your answer was “yes” let’s read on to find out how to deal with a narcissist.

How to deal with a narcissist

“So in reality the best way to deal with a narcissist is to avoid them at all cost and do not engage them.” 

The sad reality about being a narcissist is that the narcissist does not know that he or she is one. They actually think they are perfect and everything that goes wrong in their lives is someone’s fault. So in reality the best way to deal with a narcissist is to avoid them at all cost and do not engage them. Narcissists are very toxic and will ruin your life by the time they are through with you. You will be left struggling with many mental health issues such as depression, anxiety, PTSD, sleep disorders, and many more. 

There are some narcissists that will be difficult for you to avoid like your parents, children, or your boss. In these cases set your boundaries and keep them set. Try to study as much as you can about narcissistic personality disorder, so you can detect quickly when you are being manipulated or abused and let them know and that you will not accept it. In other relationships, don’t be afraid to cut anyone off who you feel is a narcissist. You deserve to be treated with the same respect that you give, and to be happy, safe, and at peace.

If you believe you are dating a narcissist whether in a marriage, or otherwise, my advice to you to by a pair of comfortable running shoes and run to the hills. A narcissist can never change and you cannot fix them though you will try and fail miserably. In the end, you will be left broken, traumatized, and discarded. The best thing you could do for yourself is to end the relationship immediately, and cut off all communication. Block him or her on your phone and all social media and go completely ghost. The narcissist needs you more than you needed him or her so they will try in every way to win back their narcissistic supply. However, if you chose to remain with your narcissist, my advice to you is to hire a good therapist. Good luck and stay safe!

Let's continue to heal together. Shalom!-- Dr. Nickie Ann

Dedicated to all victims and survivors of narcissistic abuse. “Choosing to leave is not a choice but a process”